Growing Bolder: Or, Learning How to Risk

By Vicki de Klerk-Rubin

Being bold means standing out, being different from the norm, showing a willingness to take risks. Synonyms include daring, intrepid and courageous. 

How do we learn to take risks, and what happens when we don’t? 

Using my “Validation” eyes and knowledge, I zoom in on Erik Erikson’s life stage, “play age.” During preschool years (ages three to five years), children begin to take initiative through play, which Erikson defines as “a situation in which a child can work through experiences by creating model situations and master reality through planning and experimentation.” The core strength developed in this stage is “purpose.” 

Erikson further says that when children are not encouraged to play or are scolded for making a mess and making mistakes, or consistently get other negative responses, they learn to inhibit themselves and experience guilt. 

How does that track as we get older? 

With the willingness to experiment and take initiative, a person can excel at school and build a sense of competence. They can make mistakes and have trust that they can do better. In adolescence, a person dares to try new things (clothes and sexuality as examples) in order to find their identity.  

With playfulness, a person can enter relationships and not be shattered when they end. As young adults, they can risk being intimate, showing themselves as they really are. With the ability to risk, adults can generate a career and a home life, and allow those to shift as the years pass. When it’s time to find a new job, they dare to find it. If a relationship falters, they seek to find a solution. When it’s time to retire, they find other ways to express themselves and find purpose. And as they grow old, they can accept the process and face a multitude of challenges.

What happens if someone doesn’t learn to risk early in life?  

If we never dare to climb to the top of the monkey bars, build a fort from blankets in the living room or pretend we’re a cowboy (for example), we get older being careful about making mistakes, making a mess, and not risking new things.  

A person may become the perfect student or the shy one who never speaks in class. As a teenager, the inability to risk can block trying new looks, new loves. In young adulthood, playing it safe means sticking to safe choices, not daring to go for what one really wants. When life is disappointing or challenging, there is little resilience to find creative solutions.  

How can a person learn to take risks as an adult?  

By recognizing how important this personal skill is, one can actively work on it. Identify moments – maybe start with small, easier to manage moments – where you have a choice. Which choice feels risky to you? Play out the scene in your mind’s eye. What would you normally do? And what do you think will give you the result you most want at this moment? For me, asking myself the question, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” is useful. If I feel I can handle the worst thing, then it’s easier to take the risk. Find someone you trust to talk to and help you through this process. It is okay to take risks, and it’s even one of the values of Pioneer Network: “Risk taking is a normal part of life.”  

How does not learning to risk affect older adults? 

Older adults can withdraw inward or fall into denial rather than risk accepting the losses of aging. Without the coping skills and flexibility to adapt to change, many older people blame others for their losses or deny that anything is wrong. In later phases of disorientation, these people can retreat to safe moments in their past to relive them and relieve the fear of present-day reality.  

Finally  

Learning to take risks and to be adaptive gives you coping skills for the future. Understanding this gives you empathy with older adults who never had the chance to learn this. Become more aware of the risky choices that pop up in your life. Do you climb to the top of the monkey bars, or do you stay closer to the ground? Whatever choice you make, make it a conscious choice. 

Vicki de Klerk-Rubin is the executive director of the Validation Training Institute and a speaker at the 2024 Center for Innovation Conference, coming to Grand Rapids, Mich. November 11-13! Click here to learn more about the conference and register today.